In Plymouth

 

I attended my old school reunion. I went to an all boys school so apparently there  was a bit of a battle going on over whether I should attend or not, but I never saw that, only heard about it afterwards. A load of my old school mates went along specifically to support me which I find overwhelming.

The toast was changed to "gentlemen and lady" for the first time in its hundred and whatever year history. I never felt unwelcome or that I was receiving unwanted or unwarranted attention. Those who didn;t want me there might have not been there, or they just stayed away from me. Apparently they held a vote to decide if I'd be alloowed to attend as women aren't normally welcome. But I am an "old boy" whatever I am now - I went to this school and I am surely entitled to attend reunion functions. 

I also spent a couple of days with my parents and they are just trying to get used to me as I am now. I think my mum is comfortable, my sister definetely is and my niece seems delighted by how i am now. she never stops smiling at me! She lost an uncle, but gained an Aunty Stella!!

In Plymouth a couple of weeks ago

Writing this now in 2016 I remember this pic as being the best I'd ever looked (IMO) and as I was taking this and other shots I was approached by an older bloke who just wanted a natter I think. But I passed as far as he was concerned. I was still not particularly confident in those days but obviously confident enough to be able to be out and about as myself.
I don;t even think I look particularly feminine in the picture - face looks a bit male to me - but I hadn't been on HRT for long at that point.

Cinema

I'm going to try to be positive!

I went to the cinema yesterday. Probably the 4th trip since transitioning and the first time that didn't feel remotely nervous about being there! I felt about as confident there as I ever did as Steve. Maybe more so.

What makes the big difference now is having a viable female voice. Its hard to deal with a cinema trip if you haven't got a suitable voice. Or anything really.

I arrived in Greenwich after work, wearing quite light clothing...  a maxi skirt and a tee shirt top with a cardy! So it was a little cold for me! I bought chips, I ate them by the Cutty Sark, and then I went into see my film. All with great confidence!!

The film was called "Before I Go To Sleep", a psychological thriller starring Nicole Kidman. I decided Monday that I wanted to see a film and had looked to see what was on. I picked this out from the list of about 3 possibles because the psychological nature of the plot appealed to me and I thought it would be more interesting than the usual space ships/ explosions/ running about type films that gets put on these days.

In the auditorium I was annoyed tremendously by the other members of the audience who had decided to sit there rustling giant bags of food. All the way through the film, as it happened!! I tried to ignore it. I tried really hard to ignore it!!!  I had to move seats once as the noise was drowning out the film!!

The film was mostly as I had hoped. An old fashioned Hitchcockianish thriller set in the now, but with a curiously dated feel, and with a plot that unfolded slowly, and was never completely predictable. The acting was a bit average at times and the ending was soooo dragged out to be untrue, but apart from those little niggle points it was interesting enough to keep me watching.

Time seemed to fly by. I was literally on the edge of my seat during some violent scenes. Oh and the violence was the sort of violence you'd have seen in a film 40 or 50 years ago, not gore and not nasty! It pushed my newly installed emotional buttons too and its a film where you can shamelessly root for the woman to win!!

After I got home I got through half a bottle of white wine and went to bed around 1am after DMing my fabulous Canadian friend on Twitter.

Today I am flipping well knackered!!

In the office today with new eye shadow



Couldn't resist a selfie with the fantastic lighting in the ladies' loo

Today I saw the doctor about taking something for my anxiety and he agreed. I'm on a month trial now to see how I get on!

I came to work in a very short black skirt today and you know what? I can carry it off!!! But the meds made me nauseous and now I'm incredibly drowsy. Lucky I'm, still only on 5 hours a day.

Today was quite postive as it happens. Not only did I feel I was back on top as far as my confidence goes and my ability to pass as female, but I interacted more with my colleagues at work today than i have done for months! One of the girls is leaving tomorrow and is holding a farewell breakfast before work tomorrow. I thought I'd been overlooked but I got my invite today. she'd been ill and hadn;t got around to inviting me apparently. Whatever the truth there, I'm grateful to be back in the fold!

Bar Wotever

Yesterday I decided to go back to Bar Wotever. I haven't been for a year and I wanted to know how I felt about the place now I'd transitioned and that there would be no fraught and furtive changing in the shower room, or sneaking out without anyone seeing me!

It also helped me realise how far I'd come in a year. I joked that I might get hit on by a lesbian but as most of the girls frequenting Bar Wotever are young enough to be my daughter that was never likely, even if I did get read as female.

 I think before I used to be mostly identified as male or "tranny" at Wotever, of which there are a few regulars and are treated accordingly. I even got called 'mate' at the bar a few times by staff who really ought to know better. Last year I was smiled at by some of the female patrons and other trans women used to acknowledge me! But this time it seemed I was treated completely as female! A trans woman I used to drink with was standing right next to me at the bar and she never even recognised me! And I never gave myself away either.... I like my own company too much!

There is always a compromise to be made. The one I was making last year was that LGB venues were safe and tolerant, but on the other hand LGB people don't really understand us. And I knew that while I didn't pass I would always be taken as part time, "tranny", cross-dresser rather than a transgendered M to F woman, but that I would always be tolerated regardless, however i dressed and however I identified! From my experience I do think a lot of gay people really do see trans as a life style choice or even a sexual fetish! It's neither! Of course!

But at a venue like this I was mixing with drag queens, fetishists, part time women and trans people like myself. The differences became increasingly clear to me through this period. The part timers were always over dressed and looked out of place and rarely passed. Drag queens even less so but were usually more appropriately dressed for an LGBT bar.

Amongst the crowds in 2013 I identified trans men and women and scrutinised them from afar. To me then trans people appeared to be the most beautiful people of all and I could only dream and hope that I might be one of them. But as time went on I came to know I was one of these people and I just needed to learn a few things and get some experience. I now like to think I'm well on my way and that some novice CDer might see me as a role model at some point! When I turned up last night I felt like I'd achieved everything I'd set out to do and more!

It's disappointing in a way that I don't get the attention I got last year when I went out and about as a crossdressing man learning to be a woman, but the fact that I don't get that attention now is has to be a big mark of success!!

Actually I hate getting attention and I found all that nonsense midly embarrassing. Good to be a middle aged anonymous looking woman blending in with the crowd!

Bar Wotever at the Royal Vauxhall Tavern

seperated at birth?

My come back starts here

          

 On Friday I went to work in an overtly feminine mode cos I felt I needed to after Thursdays jeans and black top! Then on Saturday I had to race round getting jobs done in the morning so I was free to travel to Greenwich in the afternoon to meet a Tweep I've known on Twitter for a while. 

I'm always worried when I meet a Tweep, but so far I've not had a bad experience. I found quite a few friends, flatmates, and even a lover through meeting Tweeps in real life or talking on the phone!

The trick is not to meet peeps unless you feel you know them fairly well on Twitter. And don't move in with them unless you've been to at least a couple of gigs with them first!! 

Had a great couple of hours in Greenwich, and I don't think we stopped talking for a second! The old me would have been amazed! Its great now to be able to connect with a woman without it having to develop into a date, or any of that awkwardness! I can be friends and no more! A meal with a man, on the other hand...  not tried that yet! But of course, women are much more interesting than men!

 On Saturday I wore a knee length denim skirt and quite a feminine top with my fake leather jacket. Pulling back from the feminine look I had on Friday. And on Sunday, me and my housemates travelled to Epping to see the Epping Ongar railway. I wore a cord skirt, patterned tights and a black top! I felt frumpy. It was a bad choice. also my hair was shit!! 

Sunday turned out to be quite a stressful day overall, though I'm glad we did what we did. I was exhausted at the end of it. Despite everything I felt I passed completely as female while we were out. Got called love by blokes! That's always a good sign! 

Today I decided to stay plain and wore a knee length black jersey skirt and a blue and white stripey top with my current fave cardigan (see pic,top). 

I felt reasonably good today and confident. I have to keep reminding myself of where I've come from! In 2010 I travelled on a train, as a woman, for the first time ever, and I wore a wig and kept myself hidden as much as possible. In 2014 I travel everywhere as a woman, with my real hair and I NEVER hide!! Nor do I ever feel ashamed or embarrassed! 

It was only in August 2013, just over a year ago, that I first travelled across the country as a woman, from my home  in East London into Central London and via train to North Wales. Then back again a couple of days later. I didn't take any men's clothes with me and that was a big step!! It was the beginning of starting to go full time! 

Today I feel I do almost everything that Steve would have done! Though I'm more careful when I'm out late at night, I don't feel that its limiting me. On the contrary I'm more determined to go out at night now than I was as a man! 

I'm the same, but I'm different. I'm different to the extent that I am now fully myself, wheras before I kept parts of me hidden. And it showed!

Rock Bottom

I'd like to think I've bottomed out now. This morning I woke up exhausted and numb. I thought I was calm but I blew up in anger at something fairly minor. Luckily it passed. Anyway I was given a little chemical boost to my system by a friend who thought it would help. Legal, I might add and prescribed, but not prescribed to me. Anyway it worked wonders and I started feeling human again in no time. I felt calm like it was a cool summers day by the seaside!

This then enabled me to stop shaking and stop panicking and begin to get a few things done! I'd really cacked my hair up trying to get it to look reasonable for work. The straighteners did nothing and the hairspray made it look like I hadn't washed it in days!! So I went back to square one and washed my hair, took my make up off and this time asked my friend to help me to get it looking decent, which she did!

Despite my massive tantrum and what felt to me like a nervous breakdown I think I left the house with all three of us friends again! I got goodbyes from out of both upstairs windows as I walked off and I've never had that before! I can understand if people who know me are a bit worried about me! In fact I'd be disapointed if they weren't!!

So next week I'm going to ask my doctor for some sort of anti anxiety drug to ease me through the days. I think this might be the cause of everything I've bee going through!

After yesterdays collapse of self esteem I decided to go ultra femme and wear a long floral skirt I've had for a few weeks with a lacey top and my favourite cardy (security blanket).

I think I'm past the worst now... sometimes you just know! I'm meeting a Twitter supporter for coffee tomorrow and off to see some trains with my housemates on Sunday...  so it should be a nice weekend! 

Crisis

I'm a quivering wreck today. all I want to do is hide. But that's not possible when you have a job. I'm not even sure what it is that's causing this but nothing seems to be as it should today. When I look in a mirror I see the old me. My hair is just awful! My body looks blokey and voice is cracked and croaky. I had to leave home in jeans today I felt so unfeminine.

It could be that I'm seeing things as they are, and I really am turning back into a bloke, or it could be merely that I'm picking up on things that don't normally bother me. I say merely, but that's probably the single worse thing that could happen to me at this point. Since last summer I've carried myself along with the confidence born from knowing that I'm trans gendered and being happy with that and the attitude that world can like it or fuck off! Its not my problem its yours!!

When I knew I didn't really pass I never expected more. People would point at me and some would laugh. Others just fired abuse at me! But now I've entered the forbidden land. I've been read as female so many times now... several times a day... I've been accepted as female by many women and some men. Most days there's no question that I'm a woman and that's how I get treated! So much so that the shock of being read as male now really bothers me, probably more than it should. I'm like the bridge that no longer wobbles but falls over in the slightest wind!

I know I need to get over this. I think it may be my worst crisis since last October when I was verbally attacked on a train by a large group of lads. That time I didn't go out in an obviously feminine fashion for about a month, and I had to start again gradually. This morning I had that same horrible gut wrenching feeling. That of being ready and with somewhere to go but still not being able to step out the front door. Only this time there is no male me to retreat back into. I've burned all those bridges now!

Dark Times

I've had a long break from blogging now. A lot has happened. On a personal level I hit the 6 month mark for being on hormone replacement. I'm not in an ideal situation as I'm self medicating and my GP is refusing to take any responsibilty for this even though I declared I was suffering from severe gender issues well over a year ago and so far I've had bugger all support from anyone other than other trans ladies and a few friends!

About 4 or 5 weeks ago my GP told me that the Gender Clinic was desperately trying to contact me and asked if they could forward my current contact details. I said yes, of course, and they were faxed over. That was the last I heard about it! So naturally I'm concerned now that I've been taken off the list after waiting for a year now!

At work I am feeling increasingly isolated and sidelined and not able to do my job. This isn't entirely due to me transitioning. A lot of it is to do with having ASD and now being in a new office, with a new manager and with the transitioning on top I really am not coping and not able to do my job any more! This is extremely worrying for me! I asked for support but so far I've had none and every day I'm just sitting in an office full of people I can no longer connect with on any level! I have no idea what to do about this!

I had my nasal polyps removed at the end of July and I thought this would be a tremendous help for me! It is except that after the operation I received no further care and my allergies have kicked back in and I'm getting ill again. My polyps, almost inevitably will grow back if I am not treated. Seems like a waste of fucking money to me!!! And it took me a month to recover from the operations! And I'm still not well. I am working 5 hour days now instead of the normal 7 hours, but still barely able to make it through a working day and I feel like a quivering wreck every night!!

Since I've been off a month, all of my responsibilities at work have been taken off me. so I'm like a spare tyre now! And I'm not equipped to deal with this at all. My boss has been away ever since I've been back so no support! I saw a nurse but she couldn;t help. I saw a union guy but he don't know how to help me! I feel lost.

This is a classic situation transitioning people find themselves in. Successfully transitioning and yet losing all the support they had around them! Stella's future is seriously at risk now! She's here now but whether she'll still be here in a years time is very much dependent on things beyond her control now!

Bus stop selfie

 

I like this photo..  I mainly take selfies as a way of boosting my confidence. They usually look better than I expect which then allows me to hold my head up high when I'm out. 

Occasionally they don't turn out well, in which case I try again!

New dress for work

 

A sign of how far I've come is I no longer think twice about wearing whatever I want. If I fancy wearing a dress then I wear a dress. The only compromises I make with this is when its inappropriate for work, such as depot or trackside visits, or for family functions where me in a dress is still considered highly controversial.

Back in London

 

I got up around 7am and had breakfast in a busy hotel, dealt with rellies, ferried them around, visited my Grandmother in her new home for first time, loaded three heavy boxes into my car, and then drove all the way back to London in less than 4 hours. After all that I looked like this. I am pleased to see that my femininity still shines through! :-D

My sister got married

I nearly never came. I went out with Kath a while back to buy a lovely new dress for my sisters wedding. Mentioned this to my sister who wanted me to come, and then suddenly I've got my Dad on the phone, misgendering me and deadnaming me and telling me I can't wear a dress to the wedding, and that everyone would be embarrassed by me.

In the end I bought myself a pair of black trousers from Long Tall Sally (£50) and wore them with a really feminine lacey top and my animal; print jacket.

I was misgendered at the hotel which was fabulous. I told her not to call me sir and she sniggered. So I fied off a complaint to the management.

I had to stay in a hotel because my parents told me they didn;t have room for me. More likely they were too embarrassed to have me stay in their house with other relatives around. And on the evening before the Wedding I was far too scared to go out of the hotel even to go to the car, because of the gangs of young lads - pissed up and loud and obnoxious - I thought I'd be easy meat.

On the morning of the wedding I moved out of the hotel and loaded car, droe up to the Hoe to take in the view.

I live Tweeted the whole weekend even from the wedding.

Jacket

I got this jacket off ebay. It reminds me of the sort of thing my mum might have worn. That's not a bad thing, I always admired her taste in clothes.

Train selfies

I've started taking selfies on trains now. I was too self conscious to do it before and, of course, I didn't have a phone with a bi-directional camera thingy! I still get peeps looking at me funny when I do it. Tough!

no make up

 

I sat up in bed this morning and took this. No make up, still in bed.... bedhead intact! 

If you look carefully you can even see some stubble on my chin that has survived my LASER treatment and HRT. 

But overall I'm happy with this shot as it shows that my face is genuinely feminising and its not just smoke, mirrors and make up!

Hospital

I went in to have my operation yesterday. I'd never had one before! It's hard to understand just how vulnerable and helpless being led in to surgery can make you feel.

I can happily admit I was scared shitless from the night before and almost bailed out a few times!

I was worried about maintaining my femininity under hospital condtions! Should have been the least of my worries but it is probably always the one thing that is always on my mind - DO NOT GET MISTAKEN FOR A BLOKE!

L came in with me and I was extremely grateful for her support and for being by my side throughout! Firstly I had to decide what to wear. I put the question to Twitter. I wanted to wear my most comfortable baggy dress but was worried I wouldn't look female enough to wear it. Twitter said, wear the dress, so I did go in the dress but I took leggings and a tee shirt with me just in case.

I needn't have worried! I went through the admissions procedure just fine, apart from wanting to run. Cos I had misunderstood the instructions about not eating my operation was held back till 4 O'Clock so I was waiting around for hours!

I was put in a room with another lady - older than me (62). And she was quite chatty. I don't think she read me or at least she accepted me as a woman without any need to mention my transness. Then the nurse took me through the admissions procedure (palaver). Finally she got to the bit where all female patients are asked to undergo a pregnancy test, and yes she did ask, and I did have to explain precisely why there was no possibility that I was pregnant. She took some convincing but I remember the moment when the penny dropped as her looking like the wind had been removed from her sails! She stopped. She pulled it together. she carried on with the next bit! Made me happy though!!

Then gradually I was prepared for the operation and wheeled into surgery...  feeling very fragile and vulnerable at this point... I went under!

Afterwards I was wheeled back to a different room. They decided I needed my own room now! I was never quite sure why that decision had been taken! L said it was cos I was much more ill after the operation than they expected. I think I bled more than they expected!

Anyway... for one evening I let my outward show of gender identity drop. The staff all still gendered me correctly and I had a good, if uncomfortable evening Tweeting and watching "Orange" on Netflix.

Today then I woke up ridiculously early to be blood tested and my temperature taken. The nurses were lovely but not especially friendly to me. By 9/10 I decided I'd had enough of looking like a road accident victim so I took my nasal sling off and my hospital gown. I washed. I dressed (long flowery top and leggings), sorted my hair out, put make up on! Shortly after the nurse came in and looked shocked! She told me I looked really nice and was for the first time incredibly chatty! I just shows how important appearances are for people. I believe if I didn't look as female as I do it would be much harder for me to connect to people in the way I want to!

Then L came in and I was so happy to see her! R was outside with Rosey and I was discharged after dinner and went to a restaurant in Blackeath, with my little bag of meds, to enjoy a glass of wine and the sunshine! I'd survived!

And the cherry on the cake was... when I was sitting outside Pizza Express I was referred to as "lady" and "madam" without expcetion!!

Selfies

Responsibility for Stella

Today I accepted this position in my company LGBT network leadership committee and below is a screenshot of the blurb what I wrote!

Also, I've been given the honour of mentoring a young trans man in my company and trying to help him overcome his issues.

I love the idea now that I can put soemthing back in to help others. Up to now I've had a lot of support from others and as they won't be needing my help, I'll find others who will!

A Fortnight of Highs!

OK - when I look into my face I still see the bloke I used to be...  It's very hard to escape that. Therefore, my confidence wavers and i tend towards the negative, always.

However... something is happening.

 I had my first voice lesson a week and a half ago and it changed the way i think of myself. The therapist told me that she thought my voice passed at least half of the time and that I probably passed appearance wise quite a bit too. After that hour long session I felt extremely confident and that in itself makes a big difference, I walk taller, look happier, look confident... and I tend to pass. But when confident I also tend not to be looking at each person i pass to see of they've read me. When i do this I think I'm looking for something outside of myself to give me the validation I think I need. When i'm confident I don't need that. This habit tends to bring attention to myself so people who may not have read me are suddenly looking more closely and are more likely to read me. Also, I look nervous and insecure, a recipe for the haters to focus in on me!

So back to last Saturday, after my voice session, I felt fab!!  And I was on an all time high. The next week was more back to normal and the usual ups and downs, but with slightly more confidence overall i think. I marched in London LGBT Pride on Saturday and this was a kind of milestone for me to mark a year since I first went out and about in central London as a female and felt accepted. Very much in the true spirit of the original Pride marches! This year was different. firstly I didn't change when I got there. I was Stella when I got up and Stella when I travelled in and was Stella for the rest of the day. That never stops now!

Now to today: Evans finally came good with a complaint I've been making to them still addressing me as Steve in their click and collect emails and paperwork. So I was able to collect from Dorothy Perkins in Victoria station with confidence. I wore jeans today as I thought I'd be going to a depot. But I ended up in the office. So lunchtime I went to DP to collect my shoes. I felt extremely confdent... shows you that even little things like the wrong name on a sheet of paper can really undermine you! Even though I didn't feel like I was passing particularly well today, I think I was. In the shop I was spoken to by a few girls wanting to know if i was queuing and i spoke back - which is new for me!! The voice therapy paying off already! The guy behind the desk called me "madam" and I wondered if he was just being polite. But, a funny thing is this... when I don't quite pass I have a lot of young women smiling at me. When I do pass, they don't!  I'm more likely to have older men interested in me when I pass and young men are often quite courteous! Not one woman in DP smiled at me, nor on the tube, nor in Victoria Station. Apart from the shop assistant who served me that is.

So, after waiting what seemed like an age in DP I nipped into H&B...  and the guy asked me if madam needed any help... I declined..

In Tesco - didn't get madamed but I didn't get mated, or sirred either! Then to the coffee stand to get a tea. Got called "dear" by the man serving.

I can't help feeling I've reached some sort of personal tipping point. I've never had a week like this before! I worry about riding high cos inevitably the fall will come...

A Story about acceptance...

I was at Lewisham hospital yesterday for a CT Scan. I went on the train, in a knee-length denim skirt and reasonably light make up. My NHS records are all in my new name now which allows me to present as my true self both at the doctors and at the hospital. It used to be embarrassing being there en femme, and then having to get up when they called out my male name!!

So far I've not had any problems with the NHS regarding my transition, other than the ubiquitous inefficiencies due to lack of funding. I'm on the enormously long waiting list for an appointment at the Gender Clinic...  one day....

I've heard stories...  of women being misgendered and receiving inappropriate treatement or doctors calling them by their male name, or identifying them as male after they transitioned... that sort of thing. All that ever happened to me was a nurse asked me if I thought i was pregnant right after I'd told her i was transgendered!  Thick or what...? I think she was reading from a script to be fair.

After my appointment I went outside to sit down and send a text to my sister who also had a hospital appointment yesterday, though her problems are a lot more serious than mine. There was a lady - about 30 - already sitting at the bench. She had her hand in a bandage.

The lady started talking to me... she'd had a whole load of crappy stuff happen to her and just wanted to talk to someone. She'd been assaulted by a man and wanted to vent. Told me she'd got to the stage where she was avoiding men at all costs.. asked if I'd ever had bad stuff happen to me, and i had to affirm I did - never told her it was back when i was male though. She said then that I'd understand, being a woman, and having that happen to you... at this point I began to think that maybe she hadn't read me as I assume everyone does immediately.

Anyway, she began to talk about men and what she liked in a man, and asked me what i liked... I mentioned Robert Downey Jr, and she nodded agreement... but then started talking about sex with former partners and I suddenly realised I was out of my depth, Stella not actually having had a partner yet! So i said, thinking that she had probably read me, despite the way the convo had gone, that I hadn't had a lot of experience in that area, and was just finding my feet. she looked really confused... so I said, I only started transtioning this year. She said, "you're kidding"... "so you're telling me you used to be a man," then she asked again, how long, I said since January... Then she made me stand up and looked me over, we sat back down and she said something along the lines of, I just can't believe it! After that she looked at my hands, my legs... told me she was jealous... told me there were many natural born women who'd be jealous of my looks. She asked me how I could look so much like a woman in such a short time. I had no good answer as I wasn't really aware I looked that good. Maybe, as Nick Cave once said, at a certain angle and in a certain light, but this lady had completely read me as cis! I can't argue with that!

And the best thing... after finding out I was trans she continued to be accepting of me..  I was worried she'd flip out. She was religious, which I knew becasue she told me my slight frame and small chin were a gift from God.  I told her, it'd have been a better gift if I'd have been a woman from birth... 

Anyway - it perked me up no end!!I was walking on air after that...  and noticed I never got read again the whole journey until I nearly reached my home...  obviously tired by then, a young couple saw me, pointed and gawked!! Normal service has been resumed!!

Pride

My second Pride. this time I went as a transitioned woman in the dress Jackie gave to me.

Here I Am

I haven't planned anything out for today, so will be typing as it pours out of my fingers. It's probably going to plod on a bit like this for a while, till I find my blogging feet again.

Life at the moment is different from how it used to be in many ways. And yet, it is exactly the same! I've been transitioned now since January. That is I live as a woman, I present as a woman, I have a female name, I am taking female hormones, & I am learning  to speak and act as a woman. People call me Stella and refer to me using female pronouns. Most people interact with me now as a female - which is interesting and something I might talk more about another day.

I could say that I am already where I always wanted to be. And it would be true. But it is no longer where i want to be. By that I mean its just not enough. I always dreamed of being a woman. Then for decades I thought such a dream was ridiculous. Only in the last 5 years have I given serious thought, yet again, to becoming a woman. And if asked in the last 5 years how i would like to see myself in the future, for a while I would have said I'd be happy just being a man able to present in a feminine way and to opt out of the gender construct known as masculinity, something which never really suited me. Then, almost as if I had an epiphany, an event occurred which cut me loose from previous obligations and left me a free agent. Then I knew what I wanted. I wanted to live as a woman. Be a woman, to transition. But even then, I didn't think I could really carry it off. I was too much of a bloke. I asked a few people I knew and trusted what they thought and few of them could see me as a woman. It was disappointing, but wasn't going to stop me.

I'd been out as a woman a few times before and it always felt fraught, frightening and I was scared to death! I sneaked about. I hid. I wouldn't go anywhere by myself unless it was at night or I had a valid excuse, such as fancy dress.

These experiments coloured my expectations. I thought I would only get through this by hiding my face, under make up and behind a curtain of black, thick hair.

But, last year, I gradually feminised myself, almost imperceptably... with a clear goal in mind, but one I still wasn't sure I could get to. I used to look at pictures of trans-women coming out at work, their first day en femme in the office. I could never see that being me. Never! What a minefield... half the people in my office are women... how could I dare to enter that arena and hold my head up?

The gradual feminisation yielded great results and i slowly picked up friends and allies, both at work and in my private life, and, most importantly, through Twitter. i started going to a trans friendly LGBT pub near work on Tuesday nights... getting dressed in the shower room and travelling a couple of stops down to the Vauxhall Tavern. Through this period I became less frightened. I worked on my voice, my walk, my presentation in general. I tried out new outfits. I met up with friends all over London, and on two occasions even travelled out of London to meet people. I was given a name. I was shown how to apply make up so I mostly passed as cis female , which was an absolute revelation. I'll never forget that weekend in North Wales!

I wrote about most of this on my previous blog if you're interested... put Just Say Noam into Google or follow the link in yesterday's post.

So, flash forward to today.. I'm in the office wearing a faux leather skirt, a cowl neck top, and my hair and make up is extremely feminine. But when I'm getting on with things, out and about, I hardly even think about it. I have to spend a bit longer getting dressed in the morning... I never used to really worry about hair, and only ever dabbled in make up very occasionally!  But once I'm out and getting on with my day I hardly even think about my appearance. This is serious progress!!  It's becoming natural.

My job hasn't changed either.. my friends are the same, I do the same things...  the same, all the same.

And yet different. I feel different. I'm happier. I tend to be more confident. I'm better with people. I have empathy. I'm more efficient at getting most things done. But there's more than that going on.

The differences manifest themselves in various ways... the confidence.. the smiles...  the fact that I suddenly find myself attracted to men...  but there is something happening deep inside me too. I no longer feel like a bloke. I don;t feel male any more. I have to assume that this absence of being male means I am feeling more female, but having never been female before, I'm not abolutely sure.

The women I know say they accept me as female. They say that they don't  think for a second while talking to me that I am a bloke disguised as a woman. They say I am a woman. In actuality, I think I always was, which is why I was so crap at being a man. If they had said otherwise, its possible I would have given this whole thing up as a pipe dream. But its not just women who confirm my femaleness, plenty of men do too.

So that's me today...  I am where I always wanted to be, but now I want more. I pass as female a lot of the time, but not all the time. I feel mostly female, but not completely... some of that latent male socialisation is still in there, i can tell...  probably kicking and screaming, knowing its days are numbered!  I see myself moving forward almost on a weekly basis. I think the first three months on HRT were bound to be like this though... eventually there will be a long period of no visible progress.. and I wonder how I will manage...

New blog

I started my first blog back in 2004. Its still there for anyone to look at, but it kind of petered out in the last year or so. Therefore, I've decided its time to start afresh. My old blog still gets 670 odd hits a month.. this one won't.

I'll introduce myself. I'm a woman who used to be a man and I live in south east London. It was always my dearest wish to be female but i never saw it as a realisitic option. However, once i hit midle age and realised how little time i've got left, and how miserable those years are likely to have been i suddenly decided to do something.

I came out to everyone, got myself referred to the gender clinic, started taking hormones, getting my facial hair removed and dressed as a woman full time.

This blog is not chiefly about that, but some of what i write here will be related to it. To some extent I don't really have a clear idea what i will be writing about here. I suspect it will serve to back up my Twitter account at times (@LaughingNoam) and I'll probably post links to stuff I feel strongly about. I might run guest blogs... post up my pics and have a go at doing some proper writing.

Also, I'm going o try to write something every day.

Thanks for reading.