above London

   

   

My thoughts on De-transitioning

Once you've got free of all the things that pull you down and stop you from realising who you really are, the gaslighting, the barriers in the way, people telling you not to transition: 'it's not real', 'you need psychiatric help', etc. Then you start hearing about de-transitioners. If you're unlucky you get pressures on you to de-transition, which interacts with your own self doubts (aren't all newly transitioned trans people wracked with self doubt? Maybe some aren't but I've yet to meet one).

If you aren't sufficiently supported then its all too easy to pay mind to such cries. You may have been disowned by your family, lost your job, lost all your friends and/or enduring daily abuse. So to some it will seem like the answer. They will begin to embrace what had previously been unthinkable because it will seem a lot easier than ploughing on. Sometimes its hard to see for all the trees.

Can you see why I'd never go back?

In the UK you, as an AMAB (assigned male at birth) trans person, are struggling to get through your early days of being transitioned, having to endure a year or more living as a woman without female hormones, without the support of others, without a family, without a job and with no guarantee of ever getting through to the other side, then de-transitioning may well seem like a reasonable option. With de-transitioning comes the prospect of getting support from radical feminists & detrans advocates, the possibility of gaining your family & friends back and maybe even getting back into employment. And the abuse stops there, in theory. Possibly. then you can justify your decision by saying you were never trans in the first place or it wasn't for you, but you were pressured into "being trans" by the trans "political movement" and that you will be happier living gender free or as a feminine or gay man.

What you don't get from detrans advocates are solid facts. You might see "case histories" that you don't know if they're real or not. You don't know if those people were ever really trans or even if they ever really transitioned. And certainly you don't know what their real motivations are. The detrans message usually comes with a heavy dose of trans exclusionary feminism. We quite often don't even know our own motivations for things, so its so easy to lie to ourselves and even easier to put up a false front to others for the reward of vindication.

Why do people de trans? A whole load of reasons, but usually not because of regret about transitioning per se. It's almost always because of lack of support, discrimination, abuse, bullying, loneliness; the same sorts of things that pull you into any kind of cult. So always ask for verifiable statistics and proper scientific research before acting on any of this. And if you're happy anyway just ignore.
Have a read of this that one of my trans followers on Twitter sent to me.

I often wonder how many de-transitioners go on to regret going back. It's not something anyone seems to talk about. I've talked to one trans woman who de-transitioned and regretted it, and went on to transition again. She told me that at the time she was consumed with self hate and felt the need to hurt other trans people. And in the process became a poster girl for the de-transitioners lobby.

De-transitioning advocates put more store in those few transitioners who regret than those who didn't transition or transitioned late and regret. These relatively few lives are imbued with more worth than the vast majority for whom transitioning was a life saver. They elevate these people so much (remembering that many or most of them have not de-transitioned by choice but through abuse or duress, or deceit) that they'd rather make it much harder for those who want to transition than to accept that a few may go on to regret it. 

Also please remember it takes months, usually, to even be able to obtain hormones (in the UK). It took me 3 years. And all that time I lived as a woman and was more certain as time went on that transitioning was right for me. Then after all that time you start to receive HRT, it takes even more months before changes happen. Its hard to imagine anyone not being sure after that, that they want to transition. If they aren't then they can be offered counselling. If after that they decide not to transition then its still completely reversible. 

I think the trans adocates deliberate try to give the impression that all the elements of transitioning happen at once. They don't.

And in my experience there are plenty of trans people who know they are trans, have always known and do not need counselling or any delays in their process. this is easily identified through self selection - I am one. I had to jump through many hoops that in my case weren't wholly necessary, if only the world had been different when i was growing up - i would have consistently self identified and never have to endure "manhood".

There are plenty of things in life to regret that are not so easily reversible as transitioning, like getting into crippling debt, gambling, climbing mountains, getting into trouble in the sea, driving wrecklessly, buying a gun. We can;t always be wrapped in cotton wool to protect us from ourselves - sometimes we need to be treated as an adult.

But my advice would be - Do not rush. I'm certain that unless you have a fair amount of personal wealth this is not going to be a problem. - but even so I made the decision to take a step at a time and stop when i felt uncomfortable. I still haven't stopped.

For those trans people who are steered away from transitioning, things can't be so easily rectified. The longer you live in the wrong gender the harder it is to make the change for all sorts of reasons. I personally regret not doing it sooner. But I was lucky that I eventually did. Many never do because of the stigma attached our because of self doubts, threat of losing what good things they have in life, or they don't really understand what transtioning means and that it really does work for trans people.

The answer to this non-problem then is not so much to make it harder for trans people - it still needs to be made much, much easier - but to make sure that as few people get misdiagnosed as possible. This 'problem', of misdiagnosis though. is not just a problem for trans, but a problem associated with medicine in general. Therefore it is not fair to use these cases, if valid, as a stick to hit the trans community as a whole.

The answer is we talk more about trans - even in schools and workplaces. We remove the stigma. We make trans people into role models. We accept trans identities as valid and normalise them. That way more people will understand us, and trans, and be able to make good decisions. If very young children are taught about trans then those who are trans will recognise it and be able to self identify early enough to ensure they receive appropriate treatment. Those who aren't trans but gender questioning should also be able to work that out in good time too. but sweeping all of this under the carpet because it makes some people feel uncomfortable, or because it goes against particular political agendas, just means we'll keep on having wrecked lives and suicidal trans kids. Late transitioners, should then, within the next 50 years, become a thing of the past.

Let's make it so....

Do not misgender a trans person even if its someone you detest

People don’t seem to be able to get a basic here – that it is not OK to misgender a trans person because you don’t like them or you don’t like something they’ve said or done.

BetteMidler’s gaffe is typical in this regard. She noted that a lot of people don’t like Jenner and decided to put the boot in. this is the tactic of a bully – rallying all the cool kids round them while they pick on the least popular kid.

Regardless of what Jenner has said and done, her gender identity is not something that you can start ripping into. Why? Because once that has been established all of us then have a conditional identity. Which means we may be fine right up until someone doesn’t like us and then when we say the wrong thing – blammo! We get punished in a way that only trans people can.

It’s important because unless you’ve experienced it you might not understand – but fear of being the subject of a transphobic attack is something that silences trans people. And it goes wider than politics. If I intervened in a neighbour dispute because the neighbour needed help then I might find that instead of the issue remaining as it was it would suddenly become about my gender and my transness. Same anywhere really – on the bus I once defended using the disabled seat because I am disabled (I have good days and bad days and this was a bad day) against a woman with a push chair who wanted to sit there (I wasn’t in the way of the push chair and she appeared to be able bodied - didn’t claim otherwise either and much younger than me so I stayed on the seat – if the bus has been less crowded I’d have gone to sit elsewhere but it wasn’t and I didn’t feel able to stand) anyway when she saw how the argument was going, first of all she tried all sorts of different ways to shame me to get up – including mocking my claim to be autistic – finally she resorted to misgendering me and that worked. After outing me to the whole bus, loudly, I got up and got off the bus and waited for the next one, shaking uncontrollably.

As a tactic it works very well at silencing trans people and that’s why we can’t tolerate it, even for people we don’t like very much. I don’t understand why Bette Midler didn’t get that.

Transgender isn’t alone in this respect. No-one says its OK to be misogynist against women we don’t like (though it happens plenty, I've not seen anyone defending it) and no-one says its OK to be ableist against disabled people we don’t like (it happens plenty, but again, I've yet to see anyone argue that some disabled people just deserve it). But I have argued and argued with people who consider themselves to be trans allies who maintained that horrible people lose their rights, and that trans women who go to prison deserve nothing better than to be sent to a men's prison to experience abuse and rape. 

 Some trans women end up in prison and quite often are stripped of their gender and forcibly de-transitioned as if an extra level of punishment is required for trans people. We don’t, eg, send cis women to men’s prisons. People tend to be sympathetic to trans women who have committed minor crimes or may have been subject to a miscarriage of justice, but to any trans woman found guilty of a more serious crime then a ‘throw away the key’ attitude becomes prevalent as if rotting in a men’s prison (and being abused and raped or locked up in solitary) is all they deserve. Funny that this attitude doesn’t carry over to cis women convicted of serious crimes, no one suggests that they should go to a men’s prison if they commit a serious crime. It’s a discriminatory view held by far too many people.

I’ve also been very concerned with trans women who are homeless, because then you become at the mercy of everyone’s trans misogyny. Even services in place to help or rescue them will often amount to abuse or extreme discrimination as trans women will be more likely to be treated as a man, being refused access towomen’s spaces, protection against rape, women’s clothes; even if free servicesare offered they will often not be gender appropriate. It’s difficult to talk about this stuff because everyone has a fixed idea of how homeless people should be treated and that when you’re homeless you shouldn’t expect more than the basic services on offer, or the view: ‘why should trans people get special treatment?’ But I’m not asking for special treatment. I’m asking for trans women to be treated as women and not ignored or abused for asking to be treated as women. I’ve heard horror stories of homeless trans women having already lost their home and presumably any treatment they were undergoing, have been denied access to gender appropriate clothing, the means to shave, or even abused for persisting in identifying as a woman. With such organisations as the salvation army involved in ‘helping’ homeless people I’m really not at all surprised that such abuse goes on.

Another example of where trans people get treated appallingly is among refugees. But this is a subject for another blog. Refugees have always been treated as a lower class of people in many ways and most people seem happy to turn a blind eye to this.

Ultimately, a right is only a right if it applies to the most hated, the most impoverished and the most mocked of all people. If you can be stripped of your gender for being wrong in an argument, being found guilty of a crime or becoming ill or homeless then gender is no longer a right – it remains a privilege that can be stripped from you at the whim of others. But only for trans people. Cis people don’t have this. Cis people don’t lose their gender identity because they’re homeless, because they’re in prison or because they are ill. Cis people do not get misgendered when they have arguments with people. Cis people don’t suddenly have scrutiny directed at their identity and their gender by people they disagree with. This is discrimination and when you do it to wealthy, unpleasant Republicans then you do it to all of us. You make what we consider to be a right conditional, conditional on not annoying other people or finding our lives suddenly in ruins.

here's a look to try...

  

  

Stop using gender identity

http://www.thenewcivilrightsmovement.com/rjmedwed/the_problem_with_gender_identity

Something needs to change

http://www.hrc.org/blog/recent-acts-of-anti-transgender-violence-underscore-need-for-change

Futurist Dreams

Here's my second album. Its a kind of space opera concept thingy - still fleshing it all out but here's the music!

Daily selfies

starting with a smilie one though i prefer not to. This is only because Rich was winding me up from out on the balcony

and then Chester tried to photo bomb so i thought i might as well include him - he was interested in Rich trying to wind me up. I never get any peace!

speccy

Music

A lot has happened since May. One thing is that I discovered Garage Band on my iPad.

So I have a soundcloud account now and have posted up over two albums worth of music:

My early stuff was substantially laid out during my week in Cornwall in May

Here's an early track

cat pics

Larker Magazine

I submitted a photo of me pre HRT with a few words about being bisexual. The publication is an online LGBT magazine that consists mostly of photographs. It's a very attractive little package and one I can recommend. Unfortunately it doesn't come out very often so enjoy what there is. 

http://larkeranthology.tumblr.com/

Daily selfie

Twitter update

Since I've re focussed @laughingnoam to being dedicated to Trans Voices I've seen a huge increase in followers. There is obviously great need for this sort of thing. 

Daily Selfie

on my way to collect the car, which has just passed its MOT. Behind me are the fields and woods near my home, in Edgebury, Chislehurst, part of the London Borough of Bromley. 

Today's selfies

 

I might do this - last time I attended this was two years ago and so far I'm still the only woman ever to attend!

Been reading about Lou and Rachel - it made me cry on the bus. More about this later. 

Little Fern

I bought a little fern plant in the supermarket and repotted it in this little 

pot i had that was left spare after my partner's Bonsai died. 

in my underwear

I've never been one to let people see my body without being mostly covered. And now, even though I'm still overweight, don't exactly have the perfect female body, and have a noticeable bulge in my panties, I'm quite happy to let people see me like this. 

been drinking, with my face still swollen from electrolysis

Debs' painting of me superimposed on my face using Snap chat

A trans man was thrown out of a Nandos restaurant in Cardiff for wearing this T shirt. The staff member apparently said that the tee shirt was "disgusting". 

Selfie

Every now and again I take a selfie that changes my self image in a positive way, and this is one of them.

This....

I love my cats

please excuse the mess. We're both disabled and struggle with housework, but we are working on it. What I want to show you is how much Lester does not give a shit about the vacuum cleaner!

Lester and Chester are becoming increasingly happy to share space together 

Lester feels incredibly relaxed 

A good day

Caught By the River