Just thinking....

I'm currently writing a chapter for my book about how I got hooked on Twitter and how it opened my life up again after reaching rock bottom through 2007 and 2008. I think I considered 2009 as my best year of the 21st century so far even though I had lost so much and was so obviously not in a good place. But my expectations were low.
The chapter intends to compare my Twitter life to my real life and show how they bled into each other over time and eventually merged into one. Or maybe Twitter became my life!
In 2009 I began to piece myself back together again. While I was tempted to leave one part of me behind - ie, my female part - I already knew enough about myself to realise this could never happen. So I brought her with me in a cardboard box, in the shape of cheap make up sets and a few items of clothing.
By end of 2009 I had a few new friends, I was going out at least once a week, and I had a purpose & some responsibility: I organised cycle rides for the local cycle campaign.
In 2010, I began to want to venture out as a woman. It was an obsession for me at the time and I put a lot of resources into achieving that aim. I bought wigs, women's shoes, a couple of decent women's coats and I forced myself to practice my make up - because I just was not into it at all. It was what now seems a ludicrous period in my life as I didn't really enjoy much of it; just had the urge to do it.
My first time out for a whole day, as a woman, was in 2010. I followed it up with a more ambitious social trip into the west end which ended badly and shattered my confidence.
Through 2011 I got more miserable and put on weight. My health had also got very bad meaning I was off work for months and adopted a nocturnal lifestyle watching movies and Tweeting. It was through Twitter during 2011 that I became who I am today. I found a community I felt safe with, I accidentally outed myself as a cross dresser and it was all fine, I began to explore my female identity publicly.
In 2012 I met someone via Twitter who helped me explore my female identity not just online but in real life. I couldn't dress at home as I had no privacy, but she let me dress at her flat. Moreover she encouraged me to go at as a woman, and my confidence grew.
But in the process my ability to function as the man of the relationship failed. I just couldn't keep being the man. Other events that winter made me realise I was extraordinary lucky, in that I was a free agent. So it wasn't long into 2013 that I decided I would transition. I just had to let go of all the excuses I'd made before about why I couldn't do it.
2013 was my transition year. I put in lot of thought, and work, to make sure I did it in a sustainable and rational way. I was fed up with the stop/ start nature of my previous explorations of my female pysche, and the uneven progress I made. I went on a crash diet and became slim, I swapped over wardrobes gradually, I developed a make up routine that was repeatable and worked to feminine my features, and I only wore female clothing nearly all of that year, including to work. I was incredibly driven, and focussed, like never before.
This to me was a sensible approach as I felt to scared to make any sudden changes, I could test things out and drop them if they didn't work, it allowed other people to get used to me including work, and it meant the financial burden was easier to shoulder too.
I formally transtioned at the end of 2013.
2014 is the year Twitter fully took over my life as I moved in with Tweeps, and socialised with Tweeps, and basically lived my life through Twitter.
2014 was also my first year as a woman. It started a little shakey but I gained the confidence to wear a skirt to work in January, and found I quickly lost all fear when I was out and about. There were a few months of firsts - my first supermarket shop, my first gig, my first club, first time to the high street, etc. And as I got slimmer and more female looking I got braver.
This year has been a much more mixed year than 2014. Instead of the steady progress I've had setbacks, though not in my personal confidence, but in other areas of my life. I think I did well to keep all the other shit more or less on hold while I established myself as a woman, but this year I have had to confront things that needed confronting. Not least, my mental health.
But I will always consider spring 2015 to be the year I completed my transition, and that was when my boyfriend moved in with me and suddenly the phrase, "living as a woman" became much more meaningful.
I still have a massive adventure in front of me but at least from now on I get to do it all as a woman.

Toyah at the Vauxhall Tavern

Met up with Charlie Kiss to go to see Toyah "up close and personal" this evening. Not really a big Toyah fan, though Charlie is, I still really enjoyed it. Seems Toyah is pretty cool and still looks and sounds great!

Selfie

Chester is getting very comfortable

Selfie

Selfie

I am increasingly happy with the way I look. The less make up, the less flamboyant my clothing, the better I feel.

Lambeth Country Show

100 Years of Women in Transport - my entry

Picture on the wall

The thing about being trans at the moment is that people are interested. I made the decision to not only be open but to actively seek out engagement whenever there is interest in Trans. One of the early outcomes of this process was being one of the subjects of a photography student called Vanessa Lees (below). Her Blog is here.

Vanessa Lees

me at the exhibition

Rich

Me with my voice therapist - taken by VL

London Pride Parade

Canada Trip: Day 5

Canada: Day 4

Farm market day

Weather was still crap so I enjoyed looking around this place - not really like anything I've seen in the UK. 

present buying

Jeff

Then I discovered this app - so i can fish for compliments without involving other people 

I was gradually getting younger as the evening went on...

Canada: Day 3

trip to the shopping centre

nose piercing

new jacket

Tam outside her home

Tam's home

shopping for vege

Canada: Day 2

Arrived in Canada during the day when it should have been night, according to my body. Was detained for an hour, maybe two. Was extremely frightening and I couldn;t contact anyone. was worried about my luggage and worried my aspieness might get me into trouble. Not sure what the problem was, but everyone else being detained was an immigrant trying to enter Canada to work and live (couldn't help ear-wigging) and I was the last to be seen, and the only holiday-maker it seems. Also the only trans person and of course, I couldn't help thinking about the shit that trans women in particular go through when travelling, in the end I happen to have Tam's phone number on my phone and they called her. Luckily she answered and she was able to confirm my identity. 

Seeing Tam for the first time was amazing. As was travelling so far as a woman for first time ever. 

We hugged. We grabbed my luggage and Tam took me to her car, drove me home. It was pissing down with rain. I fell asleep quickly in the evening due to jet lag.

location

location

Banff

Bow River, by the Bow falls

location

Tam

location

under Pigeon Mountain :-p

location

Waking up in Canada

I got to stay in Tam's beautiful new bedroom that she has just decorated. This is me right after waking with bad jet lag. I struggled to stay awake most of this week. 

In time I came to realsie that it wasn't just jet lag but also the effects of citlaopram and probably hormone treatment too. 

in Calgary

Rich asked me to take this pic. I don't particularly like it as I look like shit!! But its the only pic of the tower I managed to capture

An Adventure

I've Been Busy

I had to give up any attempt to keep this Blog up to date shortly after Xmas as events overtook me.

I was nominated to stand as a Parliamentary candidate for the Green Party back in November. Since then it has been a whirlwind of emails, meetings, documentation, leafletting, press interviews and photo sessions, and my first ever political conference.

In addition I was still carrying out my TFL LGBT network duties, being photographed by a student for her final year project (exhibition coming up) and trying to have a life. Oh, and I met my boyfriend!

Since May 7th things have calmed down a lot. I had the inevitable (aparently) come down experience, followed by anxiety from realising how much I'd let stuff slide over 6 months.

Tomorrow I fly off to Canada to stay with my friend, Tam, for two weeks. This was always planned as my opportunity to refresh and recover, and come back and start again.

My boyfriend will be staying in my house to look after things, while I'l having fun in the Great North!

Over time I will write up my political experiences and try to bring my trans journey up to date too. I've had one GIC appointment now. My 2nd appointment last week was cancelled. My voice sessions are complete and I seem to get by out and about with my current voice, though I'm still far from confident all the time, thanks to numerous colds, coughs and asthma fucking my throat up!

I need to restart LASER as my growth has come back a bit stronger and a bit faster - though I still don't have any shadow to speak off.

My hair is purple/ brown now and I've put on a bit of weight.

I now fully identify as female, there is no doubt in my mind and with that brings confidence. My boyfriend is straight and cis, and assures me I'm an attractive woman, so that helps!

Even on my low confidence days I never doubt my femaleness. Also - the only abuse I get are from those who remember me in my early days. In other words I pass completely but my history still causes me issues.