Crisis

I'm a quivering wreck today. all I want to do is hide. But that's not possible when you have a job. I'm not even sure what it is that's causing this but nothing seems to be as it should today. When I look in a mirror I see the old me. My hair is just awful! My body looks blokey and voice is cracked and croaky. I had to leave home in jeans today I felt so unfeminine.

It could be that I'm seeing things as they are, and I really am turning back into a bloke, or it could be merely that I'm picking up on things that don't normally bother me. I say merely, but that's probably the single worse thing that could happen to me at this point. Since last summer I've carried myself along with the confidence born from knowing that I'm trans gendered and being happy with that and the attitude that world can like it or fuck off! Its not my problem its yours!!

When I knew I didn't really pass I never expected more. People would point at me and some would laugh. Others just fired abuse at me! But now I've entered the forbidden land. I've been read as female so many times now... several times a day... I've been accepted as female by many women and some men. Most days there's no question that I'm a woman and that's how I get treated! So much so that the shock of being read as male now really bothers me, probably more than it should. I'm like the bridge that no longer wobbles but falls over in the slightest wind!

I know I need to get over this. I think it may be my worst crisis since last October when I was verbally attacked on a train by a large group of lads. That time I didn't go out in an obviously feminine fashion for about a month, and I had to start again gradually. This morning I had that same horrible gut wrenching feeling. That of being ready and with somewhere to go but still not being able to step out the front door. Only this time there is no male me to retreat back into. I've burned all those bridges now!