OK - when I look into my face I still see the bloke I used to be... It's very hard to escape that. Therefore, my confidence wavers and i tend towards the negative, always.
However... something is happening.
I had my first voice lesson a week and a half ago and it changed the way i think of myself. The therapist told me that she thought my voice passed at least half of the time and that I probably passed appearance wise quite a bit too. After that hour long session I felt extremely confident and that in itself makes a big difference, I walk taller, look happier, look confident... and I tend to pass. But when confident I also tend not to be looking at each person i pass to see of they've read me. When i do this I think I'm looking for something outside of myself to give me the validation I think I need. When i'm confident I don't need that. This habit tends to bring attention to myself so people who may not have read me are suddenly looking more closely and are more likely to read me. Also, I look nervous and insecure, a recipe for the haters to focus in on me!
So back to last Saturday, after my voice session, I felt fab!! And I was on an all time high. The next week was more back to normal and the usual ups and downs, but with slightly more confidence overall i think. I marched in London LGBT Pride on Saturday and this was a kind of milestone for me to mark a year since I first went out and about in central London as a female and felt accepted. Very much in the true spirit of the original Pride marches! This year was different. firstly I didn't change when I got there. I was Stella when I got up and Stella when I travelled in and was Stella for the rest of the day. That never stops now!
Now to today: Evans finally came good with a complaint I've been making to them still addressing me as Steve in their click and collect emails and paperwork. So I was able to collect from Dorothy Perkins in Victoria station with confidence. I wore jeans today as I thought I'd be going to a depot. But I ended up in the office. So lunchtime I went to DP to collect my shoes. I felt extremely confdent... shows you that even little things like the wrong name on a sheet of paper can really undermine you! Even though I didn't feel like I was passing particularly well today, I think I was. In the shop I was spoken to by a few girls wanting to know if i was queuing and i spoke back - which is new for me!! The voice therapy paying off already! The guy behind the desk called me "madam" and I wondered if he was just being polite. But, a funny thing is this... when I don't quite pass I have a lot of young women smiling at me. When I do pass, they don't! I'm more likely to have older men interested in me when I pass and young men are often quite courteous! Not one woman in DP smiled at me, nor on the tube, nor in Victoria Station. Apart from the shop assistant who served me that is.
So, after waiting what seemed like an age in DP I nipped into H&B... and the guy asked me if madam needed any help... I declined..
In Tesco - didn't get madamed but I didn't get mated, or sirred either! Then to the coffee stand to get a tea. Got called "dear" by the man serving.
I can't help feeling I've reached some sort of personal tipping point. I've never had a week like this before! I worry about riding high cos inevitably the fall will come...
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