I'm currently writing a chapter for my book about how I got hooked on Twitter and how it opened my life up again after reaching rock bottom through 2007 and 2008. I think I considered 2009 as my best year of the 21st century so far even though I had lost so much and was so obviously not in a good place. But my expectations were low.
The chapter intends to compare my Twitter life to my real life and show how they bled into each other over time and eventually merged into one. Or maybe Twitter became my life!
In 2009 I began to piece myself back together again. While I was tempted to leave one part of me behind - ie, my female part - I already knew enough about myself to realise this could never happen. So I brought her with me in a cardboard box, in the shape of cheap make up sets and a few items of clothing.
By end of 2009 I had a few new friends, I was going out at least once a week, and I had a purpose & some responsibility: I organised cycle rides for the local cycle campaign.
In 2010, I began to want to venture out as a woman. It was an obsession for me at the time and I put a lot of resources into achieving that aim. I bought wigs, women's shoes, a couple of decent women's coats and I forced myself to practice my make up - because I just was not into it at all. It was what now seems a ludicrous period in my life as I didn't really enjoy much of it; just had the urge to do it.
My first time out for a whole day, as a woman, was in 2010. I followed it up with a more ambitious social trip into the west end which ended badly and shattered my confidence.
Through 2011 I got more miserable and put on weight. My health had also got very bad meaning I was off work for months and adopted a nocturnal lifestyle watching movies and Tweeting. It was through Twitter during 2011 that I became who I am today. I found a community I felt safe with, I accidentally outed myself as a cross dresser and it was all fine, I began to explore my female identity publicly.
In 2012 I met someone via Twitter who helped me explore my female identity not just online but in real life. I couldn't dress at home as I had no privacy, but she let me dress at her flat. Moreover she encouraged me to go at as a woman, and my confidence grew.
But in the process my ability to function as the man of the relationship failed. I just couldn't keep being the man. Other events that winter made me realise I was extraordinary lucky, in that I was a free agent. So it wasn't long into 2013 that I decided I would transition. I just had to let go of all the excuses I'd made before about why I couldn't do it.
2013 was my transition year. I put in lot of thought, and work, to make sure I did it in a sustainable and rational way. I was fed up with the stop/ start nature of my previous explorations of my female pysche, and the uneven progress I made. I went on a crash diet and became slim, I swapped over wardrobes gradually, I developed a make up routine that was repeatable and worked to feminine my features, and I only wore female clothing nearly all of that year, including to work. I was incredibly driven, and focussed, like never before.
This to me was a sensible approach as I felt to scared to make any sudden changes, I could test things out and drop them if they didn't work, it allowed other people to get used to me including work, and it meant the financial burden was easier to shoulder too.
I formally transtioned at the end of 2013.
2014 is the year Twitter fully took over my life as I moved in with Tweeps, and socialised with Tweeps, and basically lived my life through Twitter.
2014 was also my first year as a woman. It started a little shakey but I gained the confidence to wear a skirt to work in January, and found I quickly lost all fear when I was out and about. There were a few months of firsts - my first supermarket shop, my first gig, my first club, first time to the high street, etc. And as I got slimmer and more female looking I got braver.
This year has been a much more mixed year than 2014. Instead of the steady progress I've had setbacks, though not in my personal confidence, but in other areas of my life. I think I did well to keep all the other shit more or less on hold while I established myself as a woman, but this year I have had to confront things that needed confronting. Not least, my mental health.
But I will always consider spring 2015 to be the year I completed my transition, and that was when my boyfriend moved in with me and suddenly the phrase, "living as a woman" became much more meaningful.
I still have a massive adventure in front of me but at least from now on I get to do it all as a woman.
