Selfies

Responsibility for Stella

Today I accepted this position in my company LGBT network leadership committee and below is a screenshot of the blurb what I wrote!

Also, I've been given the honour of mentoring a young trans man in my company and trying to help him overcome his issues.

I love the idea now that I can put soemthing back in to help others. Up to now I've had a lot of support from others and as they won't be needing my help, I'll find others who will!

A Fortnight of Highs!

OK - when I look into my face I still see the bloke I used to be...  It's very hard to escape that. Therefore, my confidence wavers and i tend towards the negative, always.

However... something is happening.

 I had my first voice lesson a week and a half ago and it changed the way i think of myself. The therapist told me that she thought my voice passed at least half of the time and that I probably passed appearance wise quite a bit too. After that hour long session I felt extremely confident and that in itself makes a big difference, I walk taller, look happier, look confident... and I tend to pass. But when confident I also tend not to be looking at each person i pass to see of they've read me. When i do this I think I'm looking for something outside of myself to give me the validation I think I need. When i'm confident I don't need that. This habit tends to bring attention to myself so people who may not have read me are suddenly looking more closely and are more likely to read me. Also, I look nervous and insecure, a recipe for the haters to focus in on me!

So back to last Saturday, after my voice session, I felt fab!!  And I was on an all time high. The next week was more back to normal and the usual ups and downs, but with slightly more confidence overall i think. I marched in London LGBT Pride on Saturday and this was a kind of milestone for me to mark a year since I first went out and about in central London as a female and felt accepted. Very much in the true spirit of the original Pride marches! This year was different. firstly I didn't change when I got there. I was Stella when I got up and Stella when I travelled in and was Stella for the rest of the day. That never stops now!

Now to today: Evans finally came good with a complaint I've been making to them still addressing me as Steve in their click and collect emails and paperwork. So I was able to collect from Dorothy Perkins in Victoria station with confidence. I wore jeans today as I thought I'd be going to a depot. But I ended up in the office. So lunchtime I went to DP to collect my shoes. I felt extremely confdent... shows you that even little things like the wrong name on a sheet of paper can really undermine you! Even though I didn't feel like I was passing particularly well today, I think I was. In the shop I was spoken to by a few girls wanting to know if i was queuing and i spoke back - which is new for me!! The voice therapy paying off already! The guy behind the desk called me "madam" and I wondered if he was just being polite. But, a funny thing is this... when I don't quite pass I have a lot of young women smiling at me. When I do pass, they don't!  I'm more likely to have older men interested in me when I pass and young men are often quite courteous! Not one woman in DP smiled at me, nor on the tube, nor in Victoria Station. Apart from the shop assistant who served me that is.

So, after waiting what seemed like an age in DP I nipped into H&B...  and the guy asked me if madam needed any help... I declined..

In Tesco - didn't get madamed but I didn't get mated, or sirred either! Then to the coffee stand to get a tea. Got called "dear" by the man serving.

I can't help feeling I've reached some sort of personal tipping point. I've never had a week like this before! I worry about riding high cos inevitably the fall will come...

A Story about acceptance...

I was at Lewisham hospital yesterday for a CT Scan. I went on the train, in a knee-length denim skirt and reasonably light make up. My NHS records are all in my new name now which allows me to present as my true self both at the doctors and at the hospital. It used to be embarrassing being there en femme, and then having to get up when they called out my male name!!

So far I've not had any problems with the NHS regarding my transition, other than the ubiquitous inefficiencies due to lack of funding. I'm on the enormously long waiting list for an appointment at the Gender Clinic...  one day....

I've heard stories...  of women being misgendered and receiving inappropriate treatement or doctors calling them by their male name, or identifying them as male after they transitioned... that sort of thing. All that ever happened to me was a nurse asked me if I thought i was pregnant right after I'd told her i was transgendered!  Thick or what...? I think she was reading from a script to be fair.

After my appointment I went outside to sit down and send a text to my sister who also had a hospital appointment yesterday, though her problems are a lot more serious than mine. There was a lady - about 30 - already sitting at the bench. She had her hand in a bandage.

The lady started talking to me... she'd had a whole load of crappy stuff happen to her and just wanted to talk to someone. She'd been assaulted by a man and wanted to vent. Told me she'd got to the stage where she was avoiding men at all costs.. asked if I'd ever had bad stuff happen to me, and i had to affirm I did - never told her it was back when i was male though. She said then that I'd understand, being a woman, and having that happen to you... at this point I began to think that maybe she hadn't read me as I assume everyone does immediately.

Anyway, she began to talk about men and what she liked in a man, and asked me what i liked... I mentioned Robert Downey Jr, and she nodded agreement... but then started talking about sex with former partners and I suddenly realised I was out of my depth, Stella not actually having had a partner yet! So i said, thinking that she had probably read me, despite the way the convo had gone, that I hadn't had a lot of experience in that area, and was just finding my feet. she looked really confused... so I said, I only started transtioning this year. She said, "you're kidding"... "so you're telling me you used to be a man," then she asked again, how long, I said since January... Then she made me stand up and looked me over, we sat back down and she said something along the lines of, I just can't believe it! After that she looked at my hands, my legs... told me she was jealous... told me there were many natural born women who'd be jealous of my looks. She asked me how I could look so much like a woman in such a short time. I had no good answer as I wasn't really aware I looked that good. Maybe, as Nick Cave once said, at a certain angle and in a certain light, but this lady had completely read me as cis! I can't argue with that!

And the best thing... after finding out I was trans she continued to be accepting of me..  I was worried she'd flip out. She was religious, which I knew becasue she told me my slight frame and small chin were a gift from God.  I told her, it'd have been a better gift if I'd have been a woman from birth... 

Anyway - it perked me up no end!!I was walking on air after that...  and noticed I never got read again the whole journey until I nearly reached my home...  obviously tired by then, a young couple saw me, pointed and gawked!! Normal service has been resumed!!