toilets are not rocket science

So, guys, what would you say to me if you saw me in your toilet? I’d probably be standing there waiting for a cubicle – or maybe over by the sink checking my make up, or washing my hands.

You’d wonder why a woman was in the men’s, and maybe scowl a bit or look mildy puzzled, or barely concerned. You might ask her to leave. Or you might make some remark to another guy in there, designed to hurt the woman’s feelings. Maybe. But you probably wouldn’t attack or rape her. I do know this.

Imagine how she feels if she'd gone in there  by mistake and had no idea she was in the wrong toilet until you walked in? Pretty embarrassed I expect and would leave as quickly as she could. Now imagine how she would feel if she’d been told that she could only use the men’s toilet, and that she had to endure this scenario every time she wanted a pee.

Now I don’t need a lecture about what men’s toilets are like. I’ve used men’s toilets all my life, until two years a go when I transitioned. I know that men in toilets do not talk to each other, do not even look at each other if they can and stand as faraway from each other as the space allows.

And I also know that when I say toilets I’m not talking about one thing here, toilets are diverse. You get your office toilets, hospital toilets, theatre, pub, club, football stadium toilets, etc… toilets are a varied as the places that you find toilets. Some are clean and well maintained and some are disgusting. Similarly some are safe – maybe even safe enough for a woman to walk in and use the men’s  – and others are not.

Some toilets are deserted and feel unsafe whichever toilet you go in. But if I was in the men’s and a man walked in what would he think? What if a man walked in who wasn’t as reasonable as you. We know plenty of men enjoy abusing women. What if he walked in and saw a woman right there, with no witnesses, who in his eyes shouldn’t be there? Now add in that that woman is trans and though she passes, passing only goes so far. One slip on the part of the woman and she could be read. Even guys who don’t like beating up cis women might feel differently about beating up a trans woman.

In his eyes they are deviant men. Here’s a chance to bully, abuse, mock or even physically attack a trans woman – who, remember, is probably physically weaker than the man, is no more likely to be able to defend herself than a cis woman, is every bit as vulnerable as a cis woman, but now this guy is going to treat her like she is a deviant man – and so every time she gives a response that isn’t manly the chances of violence increases.

What if a rapist walked in? What if men who enjoyed stalking and sexually abusing women suddenly had the idea that all they had to do was hang around the men's toilet and women would walk straight into his squalid lair. What if violent transphobes learned of this and decided to hang around toilets to beat up the trans women who were going in? At the moment we have the advantage that we can hide among cis women. Separate us and we become easy meat for the abusive. Same with trans only toilets.

You might think I'm exaggerating the threat of abuse but believe me, I'm not. I lived in fear of men for 18 months before I could pass as a cis woman. Transphobes don't have a particular look - they can look like anyone. You usually hear them before you see them. sometimes you only ever hear them. Just walking along a street and all you can hear are passive aggressive comments about you, sometimes just aggressive, sometimes threats of violence. You know, you just know, that if you went somewhere without lots of people around one of these guys would take their chance to teach you a lesson. I regularly see beatings suggested as a "cure" for being transgender.

And when you have to use men's toilets several times a day the chance of running into the wrong sort of guy multiplies. And never mind that we consider ourselves to be women - its in the name - transgender women. women who are transgnder. And we look like women. Yeah, didn't you know, we're not transvestites, many of us take hormones to physically and mentally transform ourselves. Hell, you didn't even know I was trans until I told you!  Why the fuck should we use the men's?

So have a think. You might think of yourself as enlightened but other men don't actually give a shit about such things. And since you think of yourself as enlightened then I really think you ought to take my comments on board because your bigotry is starting to show.