Being Trans and Autistic at Work

 I've written this for submission to an inclusive employment organisation for publication on their website.

I had worked in engineering for 20 years – tended to be technically oriented rather than a people person. The work environment was male & also quite techy so it was just easy to remain detached & hide behind a masculine front. Dysphoria giving me longer and longer, more profound periods of depression, and I brought this into work with me. But atmosphere could be macho, & transphobic & sexist jokes were common; none of this helped with my self esteem.

Autism undoubtedly held me back as I struggled with people, a central part of managing the environment, my current job, as everything has to be done by other managers who need to be persuaded, briefed, kept up to date. Meetings with top management and briefing sessions out in depots with front line staff all helped push anxiety to higher levels.

In 2010 there was a reorganisation & I’d moved to an open plan office Excessive noise & other sensory stimulation prevented me from doing my job effectively. On a good day I could get by, but on a bad day I was not able to function at all.

So I declared myself disabled. There was little understanding of autism back then and nobody seemed to know how to support me through the reorganisation process so I was having to educate those who were supposed to be supporting me.

At work I’ve always used defence mechanisms to protect myself. I tend not to socialise with colleagues. I find pubs difficult with a lot of background noise, or conversations involving more than 2/3 people difficult. I’m slow to follow conversations and can rarely make a relevant contribution in time, my thought process leads me to make occasional random out of context statements.  And being trans made much of my personal life taboo so I was self censoring.

There is a feedback loop: not socialising or doing small talk means people don’t get to know me. My internal imaging which tends to be negative is never challenged and then that feeds back into my anxiety. Being trans just adds to the mix. Another thing I feel I judged for.

After, I found myself working in the Safety Dept, in a team managed by a woman, a mostly female office. I found out about the Staff Network Groups, and attended an internal inclusion course. Transgender was mentioned. Something in my head clicked.

As I was living as a woman outside work, I decided to transition.  In 2013, I told my boss, though I feel if I hadn’t come out I’m sure I’d have been outed eventually.

I’d been confronting autism head on, trying to hide the obvious traits. All contributed towards anxiety. It takes a lot of effort to maintain a front of normality.

First day into work as a woman was scary, maybe the scariest thing I ever did. When people looked at me anxiety rose.

I think just going to work set up so much anxiety. Coming into the building where people would see me was like stage fright, until I came to accept myself it was a daily thing. It’s as if the social anxiety that I already had but mostly controlled had managed to spread itself to a new aspect of my life, so just being seen by people was enough.

In the background my autistic traits were all still there – I could control them and hide them better but controlling, eg, my noise sensitivity, simply made me tired, anxious. While appearing n.t. for a short time I found I just couldn’t make it all the way through the day.

It came to a head in 2014. I’d been handed a job I didn’t understand and wasn’t able to cope with. Despite saying so I wasn’t given help and working late in the office the evening before I was due to have a major operation on my sinuses I had a meltdown and threatened suicide.

It was how I genuinely felt. I was under too much pressure and I was seriously concerned about going into hospital for surgery, the anxiety undoubtedly exacerbated by my autism but no one thought to ever take this into account.

After I came back to work I did get help, but I had to reach crisis point before I did. I still feel that no one in the office understands my issues and life is a permanent struggle, but easier now I’m the person I was always meant to be so the load feels lightened. I also have the confidence now to be open about my issues and I’m confronting them in CBT.

Because of being both transgender and Autistic I feel getting help was less easy. Few people could take on both issues, as people tended to understand one or the other and not how my issues intersected.